One-time thing

Amelie · 08-29-2007, 01:12 AM

Has anyone ever been able to stop this after one time and be at peace? Please say yes.

Victor · 08-29-2007, 08:53 AM

Not without great difficulty and willpower.

You are under the spell of your own natural attractors. GSA, while we use this term to identify the kind of intense attraction we have for those members of our own family from whom we have been separated since birth or early youth, the truth is that GSA is the same force that makes all of us fall in love at first sight with someone who is not of our family.

We are all instinctively in pusuit of a mate whose genetic make up is similar to our own. When we see someone whose physical facial structure is close to ours we find ourselves attracted. The closer the match the stronger the attraction. Also in play here is our sense of hearing that can actually pick up subconsiously those voices that have a similar vibratory pattern to our own. Our sense of smell picks up and can distinguish ferimones similar to our own. Even our sense of touch can note similar skin qualities and can cause greater releases of ferimones. The more of these that match to your own genetic design the more powerful the attraction.

What normally keeps us from being so attracted to our parents and siblings is a form of imprinting called the Westermark effect. This occurs in all of us during our first six years of life together with one another. It is because you and your sibling or parent spent those many years apart that the Westermark effect didn't occur, leaving you to be attracted to one or more of those people who will give you the most powerful attraction of all.

Once you have given in to this attraction it is even harder. The reason being that the first attractor is sight and hearing. When you engage in sex the ferimones you normally exude from your genitalia become a powerful aphrodisiac that affects your partner just as his will affect you. This only makes the attraction worse. I'm also under the belief that this is also what causes our separation anxiety....the absence of those ferimones from our presence.

If you are determined to break it off you will need to separate for a long while, and only visit one another in the company of others so as to prevent the possibility of being alone together. Make sure you both bath before any meeting as this will reduce the amount of ferimones between you. Eventually the attraction will subside, not being able to act on it and not being able to obtain the ferimones to create that most powerful drive in us.

Best of luck.

Morena · 08-29-2007, 11:14 AM

I have to disagree with you, Victor about 'separate for a long while'. I last saw my hb June 2003 and thank God he lives on the otherside of the world because otherwise, our secret relationship may have continued. I went home twice and the first sexual encounter occurred just before I had to get to the airport. I think our two weeks together in 2001 unconsiously led to the passion of the moment and also we knew that we wouldn't see each other again for a long while. When I went back in 2003, it was built up from the first time and I had carried so much guilt over leaving him in the first place (actually "again" bc he was adopted out by our mother). Since then, my husband of 10 yrs found out and our marriage and family was torn upside down. We've been rebuilding but we have NEVER spoken of my hb since. My siblings and our mother found out too and although we SOMETIMES talk about him, the topic is very fragile.

My whole thing is that my entire life has been defined as this horrible thing I did. I carry so much guilt for tearing up my family and hurting my loved ones. Heaven forbid if my children ever find out about it but they distinctly remember seeing their father in deep despare. I have to live with that and I do truly love my husband. I also ruined my mother's dream of the four siblings some day happily reuniting. I screwed up royally and I acknowledge that.

HOWEVER... deep, deep inside of me, I miss my hb tremendously. I still think of him at times when I know I shouldn't but I also think of how much fun we had when we visited each other. 95% of my thoughts about him are innocent and 5% taboo. And if we were to ever see each other again, regardless of the years... I cannot honestly say that those feelings would be 'better'. I hate the fact that I can't talk to anyone... including my baby sister who I confide with all the time and who is a Multi Systemic Therapist in Family Therapy... how ironic, hu?!?!?! It is just not acceptable in society nor will it ever be, at least in our time.

I haven't spoken to my hb since my marriage was at stake... but I secretly wish he knows how I feel and that I didn't intensionally abandoned him too.. I miss him terribly.

Victor · 08-29-2007, 03:44 PM

Sorry....I'm not quite sure what it is that you disagree with me on exactly.

Amelie · 08-29-2007, 08:46 PM

Thank you both for your replies. It seems i have no choice in this situation.

Morena,

I hope you do not let something that happened define your entire life.

sislovesbro · 08-30-2007, 04:01 PM

Amelie - Last year my hb and I thought we could just do it once, get the passion out and then move on with a normal relationship. Nothing has been normal since. We are either sneaking around to be with each other, or we are desperately trying to stop what we are doing and move on to a "normal" relationship. I'm married and although he doesn't know yet, I destroying my marriage for a man that I wouldn't normally give a second glance to. Nothing about this is good. I'm depressed, jealous and feel like crap all the time. I wish I could go back in time and correct this mistake. Don't get me wrong, the passion is intense but not worth it in the long run. Good luck!

clyde-bonnie · 09-18-2007, 11:22 PM

Bonnie and I were apart for 22 years and it didn't help. I leave to be with her in 11 days.

cap · 09-19-2007, 12:43 PM

Victor,

I think Morena disagrees with you (as do I) that if you stay separated for a long time the attraction will subside. I'm not sure that's been proven. Wasen't it the long separation that caused this attraction in the first place.

cap

Victor · 09-19-2007, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cap

Victor,

Wasen't it the long separation that caused this attraction in the first place.

No Cap. It's that the separation prevented you from imprinting your close relative as someone NOT to feel GSA for. In otherwords it is not the separation itself that caused your feelings but what that separation prevented that has caused those feelings. Separating yourself from the family member you are attracted to will cause your feelings to slowly subside, just as your feelings for someone close to you who has died will eventually subside and will only affect you when you are reminded strongly of them by a certain place or a certain song. There is a lot at work here on your psyche that you aren't aware of....feremones, identificatio of your self in their face...a sort of "self-love". it's the feremones you take in when you act on this wierd need to smell your relative. And it is yourself that you fall in love with when you see their face. And separation will eventually make these feelings subside.

5Kmom · 09-19-2007, 07:38 PM

Victor - a lot of what you say makes sense and I think I have also read similar info about the effect of our senses drawing us to someone (the act of falling in love), as well as being attracted to another's similar facial features - as in the case of a relative - because we love our own features, etc. And I found it interesting that you describe your need to smell your daughter's scent - because I also identified an overwhelming need to smell my son (relinquished at birth, reunited as an adult).

I'm curious, though, about the separation part that you adhere to. Many of the posts that I've read describe long-term relationships (both near and far in proximity to the lost/found relative). In my own case - the feelings weren't so much about the sex (although it was through sex that our feelings were manifested) as much as it was about a feeling or need to have him back inside of me. And, when others describe their sexual experiences as the most intoxicating they have ever known, I can't really relate to that.... it was more like just the only way to accommodate that overwhelming need to reclaim him or rebirth him, if you will.

I don't know if, in any of your research, you have found similar feelings described - but if you have, I would be interested in having you share that with me.

Amelie - my experience, although I wish it never would have evolved into the sexual encounters that it did, certainly would not have (and did not) end with the first encounter. From what I have read here, others were not able to dissuade the GSA pull by having a single encounter, either.

Morena - I can totally relate to the words you wrote about your whole life being defined by the situation (sexual experience) with your half-brother. My feelings are identical to that. In fact, I have said that exact same thing! It just feels like no matter who I am or what good things (and bad) I have done or may do in the future, I will always be defined by my poor choice when it came to this GSA experience. In every situation - I can always forgive others, but never myself. I wish it weren't so...

5Kmom

08-29-2007, 01:12 AM	#1
Amelie Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 2	One-time thing Has anyone ever been able to stop this after one time and be at peace? Please say yes.

08-29-2007, 11:14 AM	#3
Morena Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5	It's questionable I have to disagree with you, Victor about 'separate for a long while'. I last saw my hb June 2003 and thank God he lives on the otherside of the world because otherwise, our secret relationship may have continued. I went home twice and the first sexual encounter occurred just before I had to get to the airport. I think our two weeks together in 2001 unconsiously led to the passion of the moment and also we knew that we wouldn't see each other again for a long while. When I went back in 2003, it was built up from the first time and I had carried so much guilt over leaving him in the first place (actually "again" bc he was adopted out by our mother). Since then, my husband of 10 yrs found out and our marriage and family was torn upside down. We've been rebuilding but we have NEVER spoken of my hb since. My siblings and our mother found out too and although we SOMETIMES talk about him, the topic is very fragile. My whole thing is that my entire life has been defined as this horrible thing I did. I carry so much guilt for tearing up my family and hurting my loved ones. Heaven forbid if my children ever find out about it but they distinctly remember seeing their father in deep despare. I have to live with that and I do truly love my husband. I also ruined my mother's dream of the four siblings some day happily reuniting. I screwed up royally and I acknowledge that. HOWEVER... deep, deep inside of me, I miss my hb tremendously. I still think of him at times when I know I shouldn't but I also think of how much fun we had when we visited each other. 95% of my thoughts about him are innocent and 5% taboo. And if we were to ever see each other again, regardless of the years... I cannot honestly say that those feelings would be 'better'. I hate the fact that I can't talk to anyone... including my baby sister who I confide with all the time and who is a Multi Systemic Therapist in Family Therapy... how ironic, hu?!?!?! It is just not acceptable in society nor will it ever be, at least in our time. I haven't spoken to my hb since my marriage was at stake... but I secretly wish he knows how I feel and that I didn't intensionally abandoned him too.. I miss him terribly.

08-30-2007, 04:01 PM	#6
sislovesbro Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Oregon Posts: 11	Never just once Amelie - Last year my hb and I thought we could just do it once, get the passion out and then move on with a normal relationship. Nothing has been normal since. We are either sneaking around to be with each other, or we are desperately trying to stop what we are doing and move on to a "normal" relationship. I'm married and although he doesn't know yet, I destroying my marriage for a man that I wouldn't normally give a second glance to. Nothing about this is good. I'm depressed, jealous and feel like crap all the time. I wish I could go back in time and correct this mistake. Don't get me wrong, the passion is intense but not worth it in the long run. Good luck!

09-18-2007, 11:22 PM	#7
clyde-bonnie Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: California Posts: 7	Bonnie and I were apart for 22 years and it didn't help. I leave to be with her in 11 days. __________________ I am bonnie-clyde's clyde, and she is my beautiful bonnie.

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08-29-2007, 08:53 AM	#2
Victor Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 178	Not without great difficulty and willpower. You are under the spell of your own natural attractors. GSA, while we use this term to identify the kind of intense attraction we have for those members of our own family from whom we have been separated since birth or early youth, the truth is that GSA is the same force that makes all of us fall in love at first sight with someone who is not of our family. We are all instinctively in pusuit of a mate whose genetic make up is similar to our own. When we see someone whose physical facial structure is close to ours we find ourselves attracted. The closer the match the stronger the attraction. Also in play here is our sense of hearing that can actually pick up subconsiously those voices that have a similar vibratory pattern to our own. Our sense of smell picks up and can distinguish ferimones similar to our own. Even our sense of touch can note similar skin qualities and can cause greater releases of ferimones. The more of these that match to your own genetic design the more powerful the attraction. What normally keeps us from being so attracted to our parents and siblings is a form of imprinting called the Westermark effect. This occurs in all of us during our first six years of life together with one another. It is because you and your sibling or parent spent those many years apart that the Westermark effect didn't occur, leaving you to be attracted to one or more of those people who will give you the most powerful attraction of all. Once you have given in to this attraction it is even harder. The reason being that the first attractor is sight and hearing. When you engage in sex the ferimones you normally exude from your genitalia become a powerful aphrodisiac that affects your partner just as his will affect you. This only makes the attraction worse. I'm also under the belief that this is also what causes our separation anxiety....the absence of those ferimones from our presence. If you are determined to break it off you will need to separate for a long while, and only visit one another in the company of others so as to prevent the possibility of being alone together. Make sure you both bath before any meeting as this will reduce the amount of ferimones between you. Eventually the attraction will subside, not being able to act on it and not being able to obtain the ferimones to create that most powerful drive in us. Best of luck.

08-29-2007, 03:44 PM	#4
Victor Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 178	Sorry....I'm not quite sure what it is that you disagree with me on exactly.

08-29-2007, 08:46 PM	#5
Amelie Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 2	Thank you both for your replies. It seems i have no choice in this situation. Morena, I hope you do not let something that happened define your entire life.

09-19-2007, 12:43 PM	#8
cap Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 39	Victor, I think Morena disagrees with you (as do I) that if you stay separated for a long time the attraction will subside. I'm not sure that's been proven. Wasen't it the long separation that caused this attraction in the first place. cap

09-19-2007, 07:38 PM	#10
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 38	Victor - a lot of what you say makes sense and I think I have also read similar info about the effect of our senses drawing us to someone (the act of falling in love), as well as being attracted to another's similar facial features - as in the case of a relative - because we love our own features, etc. And I found it interesting that you describe your need to smell your daughter's scent - because I also identified an overwhelming need to smell my son (relinquished at birth, reunited as an adult). I'm curious, though, about the separation part that you adhere to. Many of the posts that I've read describe long-term relationships (both near and far in proximity to the lost/found relative). In my own case - the feelings weren't so much about the sex (although it was through sex that our feelings were manifested) as much as it was about a feeling or need to have him back inside of me. And, when others describe their sexual experiences as the most intoxicating they have ever known, I can't really relate to that.... it was more like just the only way to accommodate that overwhelming need to reclaim him or rebirth him, if you will. I don't know if, in any of your research, you have found similar feelings described - but if you have, I would be interested in having you share that with me. Amelie - my experience, although I wish it never would have evolved into the sexual encounters that it did, certainly would not have (and did not) end with the first encounter. From what I have read here, others were not able to dissuade the GSA pull by having a single encounter, either. Morena - I can totally relate to the words you wrote about your whole life being defined by the situation (sexual experience) with your half-brother. My feelings are identical to that. In fact, I have said that exact same thing! It just feels like no matter who I am or what good things (and bad) I have done or may do in the future, I will always be defined by my poor choice when it came to this GSA experience. In every situation - I can always forgive others, but never myself. I wish it weren't so... 5Kmom