What it has cost me...

[AmyandTim]

I've come to some conclusions:

I do not think I would have fallen for my half-brother if he were NOT my half-brother to begin with. I'm starting to comprehend that we were (and still are) trying to fill the gaping wound of being abandoned by our father and living tumultuous, dysfunctional, unstable lives growing up with each of our single mothers.

Getting to know a person that you should have rightfully had the opportunity to grow up with, and seeing the physical & mental similarities between yourselves, can create such an intense feeling of wanting to be closer and closer, that I think in most cases a sexual connection is inevitable.

Of course, I also think that if BOTH people have somehow been blessed with happy, healthy childhoods, and both currently have a happy & intimate adult relationship in their life, then the GSA will have a minimal impact.

This is something I'm assuming of course, since this is not what I experienced.

I'm thinking that my insecurities and low self-esteem (sense of abandonment) in other areas of my life (existing way before I met my half-brother) definitely propelled me into this intensely painful, unstable, never-ending merry-go-round that, to this day, still exists.

I'm in my late thirties now and I'm still not married.

I KNOW that things would be different if I NEVER got involved with him 15+ years ago.

I have so much regret.

These are my feelings/opinions only & sort of a letter to MYSELF:

The only WAY this type of relationship can work is if:

1) The two people meeting each other for the first time are WHOLE human beings…filled with self-love and self-esteem…not looking to fill a void.

2) Have fallen in LOVE and all feelings are mutual.

3) Both need to possess the bravery and HEART of a lion…Be able to walk hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, and brave the STORM without running away…You have to both be on the same page.

4) In an ideal world, neither have children. This will hurt them deeply as they grow up and realize that they now need to have their defenses up if anyone judges them for the choices you've made in your life.

5) In an ideal world, you move away to another country, get married and live your lives like 'normal' people that society accepts and save yourselves a WORLD of hardship.
***I know that nothing is truly "normal"…it's all subjective…
Just can't think of another word.

These are the guidelines that I would have followed myself if I could turn back the clock….I say ALL of this as if I'm speaking to myself….I WOULD NEVER judge anyone for existing - loving - functioning within all the 'shades of grey' in this very complex situation.

If I had realized how truly damaged I was back then, I would have ran to the nearest counselor/therapist/support group…anything to stop me from crossing this line, which has in so many ways CRUSHED my soul and eaten away at my self-esteem...and stolen a big portion of my life and has also caused me to consider suicide.

If I had followed the guidelines above, I would have never gotten into this awful situation to begin with and maybe I'd have the things in my life that I desire so deeply.

The absence of a husband and children in my life are MORE painful that I can EVER express….The loneliness is killing me.

I know it's not too late….it's just that I still have so far to go and I'm truly trying to sort things out and put an END to this dysfunctional semi-relationship and move towards a healthy life. I've become so isolated and I have a very tiny family…so, it's just really hard.

I'm just looking for a clear path and the strength to follow it.

My mother has been my saving grace.

Any suggestions would really be helpful.

My heart goes out to everyone here and those who are still searching for this forum….I pray we all end up in a happier place through the choices we make.

[BarbGonyo]

Hello again Amy,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts with everyone who will read these posts. For anyone who just wants to think that just crossing the line once will satisfy their needs, your post should be a guidline for them.

Most of all I like that you said it's not too late. You are so right. There is life after GSA and other people that will love you and want to share a life with you. I had a wonderful inspiratinal message on my email today. I get then every day but thought you would like this one in particular.

If you would send me your email address I will forward it to you.

Barb

[5Kmom]

Amy - You are sharing many words of wisdom with others on this site because you have "been there". This is truly valuable for those who are on the edge and don't see what the potential outcome of their actions can be.

There are many who will move ahead and act on their feelings regardless of how your choices have brought you to this point. There are many others who will re-think the situation and wonder if it is really worth the cost. And there are also some of us who, like you, wish we could turn back the clock and have a "do-over" when it came time to make the choice to become sexual with our relative. Even those of us who have already reaped heartache and pain can benefit from your insightful observation and thoughts.

Please keep writing - I think it may be the 'key' to unlock the pain and heartache you are keeping inside. It's awful lonely to think that we are too far gone or too much different from those around us. Your life has not been wasted - it just is different than it would have been if you had chosen a different path. Some of the things that you talked about are things that many people measure their success or failure in life by (husband, kids, great job or house, etc.) But when it comes down to it - our personal success is measured by our character. And you are an insightful person whose character has shown through a rough childhood and a confused adulthood. Now you know what you can live through and grow from and ponder - and in your unselfish way, you have shared that with all of us. Whether you realize it or not, that one gesture means more to some of us than anything else you may have done before.

Thank you -
5Kmom

[AmyandTim]

Thanks again for your wonderfully kind words of support.
I've sent you both private messages.

[blueeyes77]

Thank you AmyandTim. Your words of wisdom are extremely valuable. Your post was like a bolt of lightning hitting me. I am one of the ones 'on the edge' of doing something really dumb with my hb.....I can now see how terribly wrong it would be for me because I would destroy absolutely everything I have now (husband, children, extended family etc etc). It wouldn't be worth the pain for me personally. I can also see why I 'fell in love' with my hb. He's been missing my entire life. If I was to imagine him as a stranger, I don't think I would be attracted to him......the attraction is the fact that he's my missing brother.

I am sooooooooooo grateful for this forum. I think I would drive myself insane thinking I was the only one in this situation!

Thanks again. Your wisdom is greatly appreciated, as is everyone's here

[lostsister]

Hi all, I havent posted here for some time, Quickly my story is that I found a half brother in Feb this year that I didnt know I had, He lives half a world away...and we quickly fell into a typical GSA scenario, via email and one phone call only..we agreed to meet at the end of this year, he is coming...
please read my earlier posts , I have catalogued my MIND while I went through the early agonising stages.
I basically made the decision NOT to cross the line, because though there are some Successful relationships here, Most are difficult to say the least, and a lot of other people get pulled into the VORTEX, some get lost forever in the Whilrling of it all...
It was hard, for the yearning was, ...well you all know.....
then my h/b Fell in love....and at first it tore me apart, I was incapacitated for months,
but now
I am happy to say..he and I have built the most loving and NORMAL relationship....We email once every couple of weeks, laugh, and philosophise,joke, and analyise our "issues"
and I am so grateful to have this with him...
We also came from very disfunctional backgrounds, and have a lot of emotional wounds, that some how we are managing to heal with each others total honest and transparent communication.
We never actually talked about GSA, that will come no doubt when we do meet, for I know we both felt it, gratefully his girlfriend came and filled the emotional void he had been looking for, wrongly in me..
I am still alone, but I am happy that he is safe with his girlfriend, and when we do eventually meet at Christmas time, my focus will be on loving my btrother as a brother, and sharing special family time with him...

In the early stages what helped me tremendously, was reading ALL the stories here...and then Playing out in my Mind all the possible scenarios that could have occured between me and my h/b..there was no happy ending any way I imagined it....
I knew of the suffereing could lay ahead for us, and I was not able to Harmonise that with all the other people in our lives we would effect....
Gradually I focused more on the realities of our situation, rather then the imagined happinesses.....
Bottom line, for those for whom it works, this can be most healing, and beautiful.....
For those who Now live in regret, for the choices they made, which were largely due to being "uninformed" about GSA, the negative consequences can be shattering and life destroying...

my love goes to all the "special" souls here....

The GSA experience is about the highest kind of love,
the most sublime one can say.....and perhaps the most pure.....

and love is its own reward

big hugs

from

LOSTSISTER