my obsession with my father

[young26shes]

I am so excited about this website,I am so excited about the fact that something I have been experiencing for so long now I can finally put to a name (GSA). I just read about this (GSA) yesterday.Well let me tell you the condensed version of my story. My father abandoned my mother,my older brother, and me when I was 4yrs old. He just decided he couldn't take being responsible and supporting his family anymore and he just up and left the family and never contacted us again ,or never sent any child support, nore birthday, Christmas or Easter cards ...Nothing!!!. For a long time I hated him and convinced myself that I did not want a relationship with him, it was'nt until the age of 21 when I changed my mind and decided to do a computer search for him, this was in the year 2001. Well I found the bastard and he was living the good life in hawaii while my mother,my brother and me had struggled trying to just survive all these years. Well, at fist everything was great,it was september and he said he was going to come visit me in december for christmas. Well, we talked on and off for about three months on the phone and then december came and he never called or never offered any excuse for not showing up. Shortly after that he changed his phone number and moved to a different address and I did'nt hear from him until I found him again in 2005. O.K., I have established that my dad or a better word the deadbeat sperm donor, is a real jerk, but then I cant understand why ever since I talked to him on the phone in 2001, I can't, and have not been able to stop fantasizing about him sexually.I know that maybe in some distorted sense that I just (want/stiill need) to be held by my father,and touched by my father, kissed and embraced by my father.I need to feel his strong masculine arms wrapped around me consoling and forgiving me for being so desperate and needy for his love.I 'm still searching for security, for being daddy's little girl, for love, ...but secretly I hold back my frightening secret from my husband that each time I'm with my husband physically, sexually, and intimately, I think about my father and I amagine myself with him instead, and the most scary part about this is that I have done this for all of a majority of five years, trying my best to stop after each time.So then why else am I so scared, because recently I contacted my father and he wants to see me to try and reconcile what we lost over the many years, but I sense more in his voice. For example we are suppose to go to the beach when I come down to see him, and over the phone he asked me will I be wearing a two piece or a one piece bikiny( What difference does it make right!). He also said he wished I could come over tonight( with the infincist on the word tonight!) and that he senses that there is something I am not saying in my vioce.IN MY HEART, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY FATHER........honestly I believe no women really wants to. I just (want)/need) my fathers love ,attention and approval, for some reason this is important to me, but I can't fight these strong sexual feelings that I have for him. I feel if I was a baby all over again than I would'nt have to worry about these feelings because we would have time to make up for lost time, but a dangerous feeling is that I feel we have almost run out of time to make memories, to share laughs, and to just be father and daughter.I already have the airplane ticket out there scheduled for next month ......Does anybody know what do I do to get rid of these strong sexual feelings that I have for my father.......................................PLEAS E HELP........ sincerely Frightened and just wanting to be normal father and daughter.!!!!!

[BarbGonyo]

Welcome to the site. I'd like to start off by saying you are dangeroulsy ready to take a jump that you may regret for the rest of your life.

I can certainly see that you are in love with a ghost. You are in love with a father that has never been and will never be your father. By your own description, he has never proved to be anything but disappointing to your whole family and to you more than once. Are you looking forward to becoming his parent?

It sounds to me like he is a true user who now all of a sudden thinks he needs to make amends and yet makes insinuating remarks. My guesstimate is that he needs something and will use you to get it and you will be crushed.

What is his history after leaving you and your family? More wives? More children? More desertions?

I would advise you to cash in the ticket and use it to take a nice trip with your husband.

If dad wants to really see you let him come to you at his own expense and visit with you and your husband. I would never advise you being alone with this man.

You are really needing a daddy as the little girl in you is still missing that but this man will never be able to fill that need or really care about you unless it is for his own purpose. If you feel I'm being to blunt, then I suggest you ask him to come and see you and spend time with your husband and you and see what he says. My feelings are that he wants you to himself for his own use.

Barb

[young26shes]

I agree that I am very close to taking that jump that I know I will regret for the rest of my life , and that's why I'm so scared. This man has done nothing for me from 4yrs old up for my whole entire life.As for being in love with a ghost, that's exactly what he is, I'm in love with someone who has never been there emotionally, spiritually or financially or otherwise for me or my family, but I must be honest with myself,..... really, want I'm wanting is him to come in and fullfill that void, that pain and that desperate longing within me that he caused by his complete and total abandonment, But sadly, as you say and inside I know it's the truth, that he will never be the father I want and need him to be and he will never be able to fullfill that need and longing that I have deep inside. As for his history, me and my brother were the second family he started, he previously had two girls(who are now women) whom he did not take care of from a previous wife , he has since had 3 (teenage) children by his current ex wife and 3 (grown) children by a different women that he does'nt claim, which totals 10 children, by 4 different women 3 of whom were his ex wives, and yes more desertions he's only raised 3 out of 10 children. Yes, I know my dad is a real jerk, but that does'nt stop the longing for a true father figure in my life being as that I am 26 and I have never had one.I probably should'nt be with him alone but inside I know that (I must or I need) to meet him to have some sort of closure to all these years of missing him. I just hope he wont use me for his own purposes as I know I will try my best effort not to be used by him. Hopefully he will just love me,..... though I feel I am walking blindfolded right into oncoming traffic....something is bound to go wrong, hopefully I don't end up hurt.I will try my best effort to avoid any sexual contact with my dad.Though I feel I must see him face to face atleast once.I will take your advice and ask him to come spend time with me and my husband and see what he says.

[lighthouse]

Just another outsider's point of view - it is very important to listen to Barbara's excellent advice, even though it might seem very difficult or almost impossible. You might need a father figure and you might be having intense GSA feelings for this man, but meeting him (espeically alone) and starting something up with him is playing with fire. Even without the genetic relationship, a man like this will only bring heartache to any woman he's with.

God bless you, you deserve so much better.

[liltimetothink]

Barbara makes an excellent point. This man has never owned up to his responsibilties, and apparently he's still a jerk- to put it bluntly. If you love your husband you should never cotnact your "deadbeat" father again. Your need for recociliation is understandable, but you have to realize that this is turning into lust and obsession. And personally speaking, the someting more your father has in his voice is that he senses an attraction between both of you, and is trying to take advantage of it.

[Victor]

Originally Posted by liltimetothink

Barbara makes an excellent point. This man has never owned up to his responsibilties, and apparently he's still a jerk- to put it bluntly. If you love your husband you should never cotnact your "deadbeat" father again. Your need for recociliation is understandable, but you have to realize that this is turning into lust and obsession. And personally speaking, the someting more your father has in his voice is that he senses an attraction between both of you, and is trying to take advantage of it.

While not challenging your advice (I agree...the guy's a jerk and she should try hard to avoid caving into her feelings caused by GSA), I am noting in your posts a lack of personal experience with GSA. What is your story? Why are you here, exactly, if you don't mind me asking?

[liltimetothink]

In answer to your query Victor. I'm not involved in a GSA situation. I'm the oldest of three children of a single mother. My dad abandoned my mother when I was 5, my sister was 3, and my youngest sister was a newborn. I am a psych major at a prominent university, and was doing research on people who have reunited with their birth parents when I came upon this type of situation. I'm cosidering this for my thesis because I believe society should not judge or turn a blind eye to participants of this type of relationships. To be cast aside by society because people are feeling this way is not the ideal way to adress the situation.These are real people who have feelings, and are dealing with a great amount of guilt for feeling this way. Society needs to realize that this type of situation goes on; and understanding it will benefit everyone. Don't you think? I don't mind you asking, after all you and everyone here should be commended on your honesty and truthfullness.

[Victor]

Thanks for your honesty as well.

[Victor]

Originally Posted by liltimetothink

but you have to realize that this is turning into lust and obsession.

This is where I recognized your inexperience with GSA. So you know, it's not lust or an obsession, but GSA itself. I would have never understood this difference if not for my own experience with it. I've known personally the feelings of lust, puppy love, falling in love, obsession, but this....this is something much more than all of these combined. It is an attraction like nothing you have experienced before. I wish I knew how to turn it off.

But having been put under the spell of GSA, I have since researched the affects of incest, looking, for the first time in my life, for a good reason to avoid these feelings (hoping that logic and justification would help me overcome the attractions), and have found that there really isn't a logical or circumstancial reason to avoid it; only that our Judeao-Christian religio-social mores loath it and all who engage in it. Because of this, I cannot condemn anyone who chooses to act on their feelings, so long as those involved are of legal age to give their consent.

I would be more than willing to help you understand GSA, if I can. Doing so would help me learn to articulate my feelings about it in terms that those who have never experienced may be able to understand, and by helping you, I may help those of us with GSA find understanding in a world that understands so very little.

[Victor]

Sorry for the interuption.