Should I tell my father?

frozen needs! · 09-13-2007, 08:33 PM

the end of this thread

5Kmom · 09-13-2007, 10:16 PM

Hello, Frozen Needs! Are you two the only ones involved in this reunion? It might be helpful if you share your thoughts toward your father with more than just your father - particularly if you want to reduce the risk of carrying the feelings over into actions. Even at 30, your emotions during a reunion are still from the perspective of the abandoned child.

The positive situation in all of this is that you recognize what you are feeling (and have thought carefully about the "why" of the feelings). This is a huge acknowledgement and attempt to sort through everything - bravo!

Now, think through carefully - just how can you have a conversation about what you have shared here with us, only with your father? What would you need to be safe? What would you need for him to feel safe? How can you accomplish what it is you want to accomplish. It's best if you leave nothing to 'chance' because it's easy for things to get out of hand if you do. Speaking from experience, just talking about it with your reunited family member will NOT prevent the two of you from crossing the line.

Keep sharing your thoughts and work through the feelings to determine what it is you really need - and remember there are many of us here who are willing to listen.

Good luck!
5Kmom

frozen needs! · 09-13-2007, 11:39 PM

no more here

Victor · 09-14-2007, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frozen needs!

I have tried to make contact with my alleged father for 16 years. In January 2006 we took the test and so it was confirmed that I am his daughter.
We met in May 2006 and had an immediate love for one another. When we are close the world is electric(electra). I am excited by him and want him so close. I realize this is a result of my, what I call, Frozen Needs. We do have long hugs and alot of contact when we are together. Our meetings have been only three times, he lives out of town. He's decided to move to be closer to me so we can have time together. We have talked at length about not being able to make up fpr lost time and want to have as much time now that we can have.

My own daughter could have wrote those very same lines.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frozen needs!

It is a dangerous edge for me, it makes me angry really because I never had him and now I'm obsessed with feelings for him. I think he can feel this too. Not necessarily sexual desire for me but how I feel for him. I fantasize constantly. I know we will channel this thoroughly and keep developing a relationship. I wonder if I should acknowledge this to him, to talk about what is going on. We have become very close be it on the phone. I am 30. Any advice would be wonderful. Thank you

There is nothing wrong with honesty. If he feels parental or if he doesn't have those same feelings, he'll let you know that you shouldn't have such feelings or at least not act on those feelings. If he feels them himself he may admit them to you. Either way, honesty with him will let the both of you grow closer as father and daughter.

frozen needs! · 09-14-2007, 08:27 PM

no more here

Victor · 09-14-2007, 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frozen needs!

You actually kiss? How can you don that and not go further?!

Shear willpower.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frozen needs!

Maybe I'll push him away in order to keep my world relatively sane! I am not "hooked" yet.

I don't have the right....none of us do....to tell you how to deal with your situation. Just know that there are consequences for every action you take in life. Make sure that you are ready to face those consequences should you proceed, before you proceed. If you aren't willing to face them then avoid those actions that will lead you to them. That's free advise for everyone.

frozen needs! · 09-15-2007, 07:02 PM

no more here

crushedsister · 09-17-2007, 12:01 PM

A bit of contribution to this forum... Giving in to GSA is will cause pain like youv'e never felt. Sure at first it's the most wonderful exciting feeling but trust me, I can't say it any louder DON'T DO IT! FIGHT IT NOW AND WORK THROUGH THOSE FEELINGS, DON'T GIVE IN TO THEM.

Victor · 09-17-2007, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crushedsister

A bit of contribution to this forum... Giving in to GSA is will cause pain like youv'e never felt. Sure at first it's the most wonderful exciting feeling but trust me, I can't say it any louder DON'T DO IT! FIGHT IT NOW AND WORK THROUGH THOSE FEELINGS, DON'T GIVE IN TO THEM.

Please....tell us how giving in to our GSA causes pain exactly?

People give into GSA every day. People find love everyday via GSA. It is what drives them to seek out a mate who is a close match to themselves, both physically and mentally. Our problem isn't GSA. It's that we have been separated from our children, our parents, our brothers and sisters, resulting in the loss of the natural imprinting that would otherwise turn off our GSA for these close relatives. And when we act on those feelings generated by our GSA, it isn't GSA that makes our lives a hell, but the social stigma that abores sexual relations between relatives. GSA is NOT the problem. Avoiding sex with our close relatives will avoid the pitfalls we face because of the social stigma against sex with relatives. But it needs to be said that avoiding family and friends who know about your relationship to each other is another way to avoid the affect of that social stigma. Which you choose is entirely up to those directly involved in that relationship.

For some, there is pain....from being rejected by the one they are attracted to; from being found out by family and friends, by immature behavior by one or both involved in the GSA relationship. But that doesn't mean that all have such pain or will. How you choose to deal with GSA is your own choice. It is my hope that such choices can be made in the light of truth, accepting the consequences of those choices, no matter what they might be.

To be really helpful it is best to share your own story....to explain what you did or didn't do, what you tried or didn't try, so that other can learn from your experience and benefit from it, and allow them to make the choice that is right for them.

Let's examine your own story....let's look for the causes of your pain and see if we can find a good solution to your particular problem or situation.

crushedsister · 09-18-2007, 12:57 PM

I completely agree that everyone has their own choice as to how they will deal with GSA, but we are here at this forum for opinions, advise and just some understanding from someone who can relate. I guess I need to clarify my earlier statements about GSA. You are right, GSA is not the problem, its how you act upon it. Actually, the feeling of genetic sexual attraction is fun, exciting and can fill your day with heartpounding wonderment. But, for most I believe, once you cross the line into a sexual relationship it changes everything. I mean really, how can this person, who is your brother, sister, father, mother, ever be just that. Its like saying goodbye forever to that relationship or to the possibility of it. Some people can openly live in a GSA relationship as a couple and more power to them, but lets face the facts, most of us are living pretty normal lives with our families, friends, jobs, soccer practice when right out of the blue we are hit in the heart with GSA. This pull is not like that of the co-worker you are attracted to or your spouses best friend. And, once you are in it, the immense feelings can turn the most stable, grounded person into a completely out of control, obsessed soul. Im not saying this happens to everyone but the emotions are so incredibly strong that there is bound to be negative aspects. The "happy" stories here are few and far between, and I do commend those who look social stigma in the face and do not falter.
At this point in my situation I can see no good solution. I have shared my story on this forum. My GSA experience has been both incredibly wonderful and horribly painful. The wonderful part is the closeness and the connection felt with my lost hb. Its like no other relationship I have ever had or will ever have for that matter. For me it was filling the void I felt for so long. The pain is knowing that I received a gift, a prize, like winning the lottery when I reunited with him - but we blew it. I know that if we would have just waited it out and fought the pull to have a sexual relationship then I would be enjoying my life with my "Brother" a part of me. But now, just as quickly as he came into my life, he must leave it because for us, it has become too painful to see eachother as anything but lovers. With this comes the extraordinary pain of separation, and just think... all of this pain could have been avoided. So there is the pain.

09-13-2007, 08:33 PM	#1
frozen needs! Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 5	Should I tell my father? the end of this thread Last edited by frozen needs! : 10-04-2007 at 08:55 PM.

09-13-2007, 11:39 PM	#3
frozen needs! Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 5	Thank you no more here Last edited by frozen needs! : 10-04-2007 at 08:59 PM.

09-14-2007, 08:27 PM	#5
frozen needs! Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 5	no more here Last edited by frozen needs! : 10-04-2007 at 08:58 PM.

09-15-2007, 07:02 PM	#7
frozen needs! Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 5	no more here Last edited by frozen needs! : 10-04-2007 at 08:57 PM.

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09-13-2007, 10:16 PM	#2
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 38	Hello, Frozen Needs! Are you two the only ones involved in this reunion? It might be helpful if you share your thoughts toward your father with more than just your father - particularly if you want to reduce the risk of carrying the feelings over into actions. Even at 30, your emotions during a reunion are still from the perspective of the abandoned child. The positive situation in all of this is that you recognize what you are feeling (and have thought carefully about the "why" of the feelings). This is a huge acknowledgement and attempt to sort through everything - bravo! Now, think through carefully - just how can you have a conversation about what you have shared here with us, only with your father? What would you need to be safe? What would you need for him to feel safe? How can you accomplish what it is you want to accomplish. It's best if you leave nothing to 'chance' because it's easy for things to get out of hand if you do. Speaking from experience, just talking about it with your reunited family member will NOT prevent the two of you from crossing the line. Keep sharing your thoughts and work through the feelings to determine what it is you really need - and remember there are many of us here who are willing to listen. Good luck! 5Kmom

09-17-2007, 12:01 PM	#8
crushedsister Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: usa Posts: 7	A bit of contribution to this forum... Giving in to GSA is will cause pain like youv'e never felt. Sure at first it's the most wonderful exciting feeling but trust me, I can't say it any louder DON'T DO IT! FIGHT IT NOW AND WORK THROUGH THOSE FEELINGS, DON'T GIVE IN TO THEM.

09-18-2007, 12:57 PM	#10
crushedsister Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: usa Posts: 7	I completely agree that everyone has their own choice as to how they will deal with GSA, but we are here at this forum for opinions, advise and just some understanding from someone who can relate. I guess I need to clarify my earlier statements about GSA. You are right, GSA is not the problem, its how you act upon it. Actually, the feeling of genetic sexual attraction is fun, exciting and can fill your day with heartpounding wonderment. But, for most I believe, once you cross the line into a sexual relationship it changes everything. I mean really, how can this person, who is your brother, sister, father, mother, ever be just that. Its like saying goodbye forever to that relationship or to the possibility of it. Some people can openly live in a GSA relationship as a couple and more power to them, but lets face the facts, most of us are living pretty normal lives with our families, friends, jobs, soccer practice when right out of the blue we are hit in the heart with GSA. This pull is not like that of the co-worker you are attracted to or your spouses best friend. And, once you are in it, the immense feelings can turn the most stable, grounded person into a completely out of control, obsessed soul. Im not saying this happens to everyone but the emotions are so incredibly strong that there is bound to be negative aspects. The "happy" stories here are few and far between, and I do commend those who look social stigma in the face and do not falter. At this point in my situation I can see no good solution. I have shared my story on this forum. My GSA experience has been both incredibly wonderful and horribly painful. The wonderful part is the closeness and the connection felt with my lost hb. Its like no other relationship I have ever had or will ever have for that matter. For me it was filling the void I felt for so long. The pain is knowing that I received a gift, a prize, like winning the lottery when I reunited with him - but we blew it. I know that if we would have just waited it out and fought the pull to have a sexual relationship then I would be enjoying my life with my "Brother" a part of me. But now, just as quickly as he came into my life, he must leave it because for us, it has become too painful to see eachother as anything but lovers. With this comes the extraordinary pain of separation, and just think... all of this pain could have been avoided. So there is the pain.