Deep down inside I dont like this

[young26shes]

Well I dont know how to start, I was warned by BarbGonyo that by having a sexual relationship with my father I could and probably would regret it for the rest of my life and I do. One thing I`ve learned about my father is that he is a expert minipulator.Yes, I did and still do have sexual feelings for my father, but thinking back to when we had our first sexual experience, my 2 little half sisters had just left the house and went home to thier mothers house ,I was visiting my father on a vacation and it was not even one hour after they first left, that he was touching me in a sexual way, and he had just met me for the first time in 22 years just 2 days earlier. I know I have made alot of mistakes in my life but this is by far is one of the worst, not the worst ,but one of the worst. My father always tells me he loves me, in a way thinking back, at first I was just triing to see how far he would go and I learned that he did not have one hesitation about going all the way even though I was his daughter.I stopped him that first night but ofcourse by me having GSA feelings for him the next night it continued. How could a man who has already hurt his family by abandonning them continue to hurt his daughter by sleeping with her.I guess in a way I finally got my fathers full attention but this was never the attention that I needed. I dont blame my father completely, it is part my fault for not stopping him and for choosing to be intimate with him, but from childhood to adulthood this relationship has brought me more pain than anyone could ever amagine.I want to end the sexual part of this relationship and I have discussed this with him. Basically he does not want to end our sexual relationship, and he tells me what I want to hear, that he loves me and he needs me , but I think that is part of him minipulating me. He tells me our relationship is perfect.This has effected me so much that I have not been to work in almost three weeks and I am miserable. My marriage is falling apart even though my husband still does not know about me and my father. I need prayer , I have been searching for God in this whole situation.

[5Kmom]

Dear Youngtoashes -
You have every right to establish a boundary with your bio-father - or anyone else in your life... without feeling guilty. The fact that you feel like the sexual relationship with him is a mistake is your cue that a boundary needs to be established. Are you able to take a 'breather' from him for awhile? I don't remember the details of your situation - are you living in the same town as he does? Taking time for yourself (especially when you need to evaluate something like this!) is a good idea. Hopefully, your employer will understand. This is like an emotional breakdown in that your feelings are so powerful and overwhelming (both the GSA and the guilt). Take your time. Continue to pray, especially if that is something you find strength in, and know that there are many of us out here who are thinking of you and are ready to "listen".

Take care -
5Kmom

[jen]

even paremts make mistakes - it doesnt mean they dont love you. I believe your father does love you and he thinks hes showing you the only way he knows - even if he is manipulating you (and from what you have said it sounds like he is) This doesnt mean that deep down he doesnt love you. If this doesnt feel right for you then it isnt - and you should never do anything that doesnt feel right - your dad will understand and always love you - even if it takes him a while to realise that. you are in my prayers, Jen

[BarbGonyo]

I wish there were simple solutions to jumping into a sexual relationship without ever doing any work on our grief or abandoment issues. There is of course a lot of work to be done to fix a relationship like yours where you feel that it is wrong and your father would take advantage of your feelings to continue what he thinks is perfect for him. But it isn't for you. Your fear of being found out and losing others in your life besides your father is very intense right now. He must understand that this is hurting you not making you a happy daughter or lover. He needs to be your father which doesn't seem to me he has any concept of what father means.

Without boundaries in this relationship, I see more problems ahead. If he wants to stop seeing you because you need to change the relationship than he is only interested in what he wants and not what you need to do. I hope you will continue to rely on prayer.

Prayer is very powerful and we can gain great strength in knowing that God is forgiving and loving and wants you to do what is right as it will pay off in the long run. Turn your feelings over to God and let Him take over. I'm not trying to be preachy but I know how much power there is in letting go and letting God.
Barb

[liltimetothink]

Wow, young26shes I totally feel bad for what is happening to you, but I can't help to think that this situation could have been averted. You have to see what this relationship is about- purely sexual! In order to reconcile this you must stop seeing your father and try to patch whatever you have left with your husband. I hope you realize now that your father is taking advantage of your vulnerability. I really hope you take a step back and look at the situation more clearly before everyone caught up in this is harmed beyond all help.

[Victor]

Originally Posted by young26shes

Well I dont know how to start, I was warned by BarbGonyo that by having a sexual relationship with my father I could and probably would regret it for the rest of my life and I do. One thing I`ve learned about my father is that he is a expert minipulator.Yes, I did and still do have sexual feelings for my father, but thinking back to when we had our first sexual experience, my 2 little half sisters had just left the house and went home to thier mothers house ,I was visiting my father on a vacation and it was not even one hour after they first left, that he was touching me in a sexual way, and he had just met me for the first time in 22 years just 2 days earlier.

Not to excuse your father, but if I may ask, what were you two doing in the hour before he "touched you in a sexual way?" Both my daughter and I were sending signals to each other of our growing desire for each other, even though neiither one of us were ready to admit that we had those feelings. We were both getting each other excited, and we were both unaware of our own actions but very aware of the other's. We're now both aware that we do it, but it's okay because we mutually agree its okay to do so.

Originally Posted by young26shes

I know I have made alot of mistakes in my life but this is by far is one of the worst, not the worst ,but one of the worst. My father always tells me he loves me, in a way thinking back, at first I was just triing to see how far he would go and I learned that he did not have one hesitation about going all the way even though I was his daughter.

All of us who have been separated from our child/parent/sibling have this strong desire for the other and have no imprinting that would cause us to hesitate in such regard. Granted, I would expect him to think through his actions, but some people just don't think through their actions to the consequences. Remember, he is NOT your "parent", and he will not act like a parent especially if he is not in control of his behavior. He sees you as being no different than any other girl out there that he has dated, though he finds himself more attracted to you than to any of them, I'm certain. If you didn't say "no", if you didn't resist, then your signals were saying "what you are doing is okay." Your rejection of his advances has to be verbal and visible. He cannot and will not read your mind. And since he was not the man that raised you, it's not like he was this authority figure that you felt compelled to comply with.

Originally Posted by young26shes

I stopped him that first night but ofcourse by me having GSA feelings for him the next night it continued. How could a man who has already hurt his family by abandonning them continue to hurt his daughter by sleeping with her.I guess in a way I finally got my fathers full attention but this was never the attention that I needed. I dont blame my father completely, it is part my fault for not stopping him and for choosing to be intimate with him, but from childhood to adulthood this relationship has brought me more pain than anyone could ever amagine.I want to end the sexual part of this relationship and I have discussed this with him. Basically he does not want to end our sexual relationship, and he tells me what I want to hear, that he loves me and he needs me , but I think that is part of him minipulating me. He tells me our relationship is perfect.This has effected me so much that I have not been to work in almost three weeks and I am miserable. My marriage is falling apart even though my husband still does not know about me and my father. I need prayer , I have been searching for God in this whole situation.

Keep telling him that you want your husband and not him. It will eventually sink in. Let him know that if he forces a choice on you that you will take your husband over him and that he will lose you forever if he makes you choose. Be willing to do that as well, otherwise your insecurity about that will show in your voice. Tell him that you need a father in your life. A father is permanent where as a husband or lover could be just a temporary thing and once over he's out of your life. If he really wants you in his life he'll choose to be your father instead of your lover. God only helps those who help themselves.

Be firm. And don't be afraid to lose him.