Help...Need Advice

Jasonsgirl2448 · 01-23-2008, 05:07 PM

I don't know if this is even the right place to post this....but I need some help.
My boyfriend's birth mother disappeared on him 7 years ago. She recently came back in the picture and I have learned that she left because she couldn't be with him the way she wanted. My boyfriend had told me they were attracted to each other when they were first reunited after being separated until he was 20, but he told me that he has resolved those feelings towards her. I thought I would handle everything okay, but now that she's back in the picture, things are getting really difficult. She tells me things as if they used to date, rather than mother/son stuff. She definitely hasn't resolved her feelings. She doesn't like me being with him at all, and she has made that painfully clear. I don't think she'd be happy with him being in love with any woman but her. This has all hurt so much. I don't know what to do. He wants to try to build a healthy relationship with her. Is it even possible after all these years? She doesn't even acknowledge that she has these types of feelings towards him, although it's very obvious to everyone - including him - that she does. Is there anything I can do to help? Is it normal for me to be so confused by all this? I want to try to be there for him through all this, but I don't even know what to say....what to do...what to think.

Victor · 01-24-2008, 06:18 AM

He will need to be open with her about his own feelings on the matter. He'll have to lay down the law that he wants her as his mom, not his girlfriend.

Do understand that because of their separation that his mother has no parental feelings or parental connection to her son. She sees him only as a beautiful man whom she is powerfully attracted to. I imagine that it could also be difficult for him, too, as he doesn't see her as a parent either. If you don't see each other as parent, child, or sibling, which is something that is imprinted on our psyches over many years of close contact in those roles, then they become little more than a highly attractive sexual opportunity.

simba · 01-24-2008, 11:46 AM

Hi victor,
Im sorry but I feel quite compelled to tell you this.I have read the majority of your posts.Each time you write a very grounded ,sympathetic intelligant and kind reply.You seem to be very understanding and extremely knowledgable.People like yourself I find a lifesaver within this site.
Thankyou.

5Kmom · 01-24-2008, 08:51 PM

I would have to "echo" Simba's comments to you, Victor. You do seem to provide well thought-out responses to other readers' posts. I must say, though, that I am mildly offended by this most recent comment about being little more than a sexual opportunity between reunion participants. I was not looking for a sexual "opportunity" - and I don't think that a lot of us were. Yes, the end result in my reunion story was sex. But, that was not the point of the act - it was the need to bond that resulted in the sex. True, this birth mother is crossing the line (as I did with my son, tragically) and I agree that her son is going to have to establish boundaries if the relationship is to continue in a platonic way. She may eventually try to establish those boundaries herself as time goes on, but right now she is reacting to her strong feelings - not acting from the standpoint of a parent. Because, as Victor points out, she does not feel like a parent.

I do empathize with the pain that Jasonsgirl must be feeling. This GSA is very strong and so very confusing to those watching it develop. Keeping open communication with him (you and him) is a key element, as well as providing opportunities for the bonding process between him and his mother in a public way so that the feelings she is experiencing do not manifest into a sexual encounter. Counseling for all of you (alone and together) may also be helpful. However, if his birth mother is not willing to do respect his boundaries, Jason may have to end his relationship with her.

Just my thoughts -
kc

Victor · 01-26-2008, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 5Kmom

I must say, though, that I am mildly offended by this most recent comment about being little more than a sexual opportunity between reunion participants. I was not looking for a sexual "opportunity" - and I don't think that a lot of us were. Yes, the end result in my reunion story was sex. But, that was not the point of the act - it was the need to bond that resulted in the sex.

None of us are "consciously looking" for a sex partner when we go looking for our lost relatives, but subconsciously we all are all the time. It's part of our nature to procreate; further it is our nature to purpetuate not just our species, but our own DNA. We subconsciously are attracted to potential partners based on how similar they are to you, both physically and mentally. Our most similar match, and most likely partner to purpetuate our DNA is a sibling or child/parent, or a cousin. There are many dicisions and actions we take every day based, not on the reasoning of the conscious mind, but on instinct. Believe me, I wasn't looking to want sex with my daughter either, but my instict is definitely driving my desires for her nonetheless.

Victor · 01-27-2008, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by simba

Hi victor,
Im sorry but I feel quite compelled to tell you this.I have read the majority of your posts.Each time you write a very grounded ,sympathetic intelligant and kind reply.You seem to be very understanding and extremely knowledgable.People like yourself I find a lifesaver within this site.
Thankyou.

Thanks YOU Simba. I'm just sharing my own knowledge and personal experience with GSA with you. I'm coming from the perspective of having been there.

Jasonsgirl2448 · 01-29-2008, 04:21 PM

Thank you all very much for your thoughts. I have been asking him some tough questions about all of this, but as he answers them, I am finding that it is getting easier to understand. I don't think I'll ever truly understand it all, but at least he's helping me wrap my brain around it somewhat. I think it just makes it more difficult for me to understand because I was molested by my father as a child....so, I don't know....it's just all been very hard to understand. I'm trying, though. I'll never quit trying to understand because he's so worth all of these emotions. I'd stand by him through anything.
Thank you all again. I think just hearing that my emotions about all of this are understandable helps me...I just didn't know what to feel exactly.

Victor · 01-29-2008, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jasonsgirl2448

Thank you all very much for your thoughts. I have been asking him some tough questions about all of this, but as he answers them, I am finding that it is getting easier to understand. I don't think I'll ever truly understand it all, but at least he's helping me wrap my brain around it somewhat. I think it just makes it more difficult for me to understand because I was molested by my father as a child....so, I don't know....it's just all been very hard to understand. I'm trying, though. I'll never quit trying to understand because he's so worth all of these emotions. I'd stand by him through anything.
Thank you all again. I think just hearing that my emotions about all of this are understandable helps me...I just didn't know what to feel exactly.

Being molested is like being raped....you are not making a choice, but having someone else's will forced on you. Plus you were probably in that relationship long enough to be imprinted with Westermarck which would have made the whole thing repulsive to you. In your boy friend's case there is no Westermarck, no repuslive response to the idea of it. In fact, without westermarck the attraction is stronger than any other one could have. It's about a choice between concenting adults who have no child/parent relationsips to interfer or overcome.

01-23-2008, 05:07 PM	#1
Jasonsgirl2448 Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 2	Help...Need Advice I don't know if this is even the right place to post this....but I need some help. My boyfriend's birth mother disappeared on him 7 years ago. She recently came back in the picture and I have learned that she left because she couldn't be with him the way she wanted. My boyfriend had told me they were attracted to each other when they were first reunited after being separated until he was 20, but he told me that he has resolved those feelings towards her. I thought I would handle everything okay, but now that she's back in the picture, things are getting really difficult. She tells me things as if they used to date, rather than mother/son stuff. She definitely hasn't resolved her feelings. She doesn't like me being with him at all, and she has made that painfully clear. I don't think she'd be happy with him being in love with any woman but her. This has all hurt so much. I don't know what to do. He wants to try to build a healthy relationship with her. Is it even possible after all these years? She doesn't even acknowledge that she has these types of feelings towards him, although it's very obvious to everyone - including him - that she does. Is there anything I can do to help? Is it normal for me to be so confused by all this? I want to try to be there for him through all this, but I don't even know what to say....what to do...what to think.

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01-24-2008, 06:18 AM	#2
Victor Super Moderator Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: USA Posts: 371	He will need to be open with her about his own feelings on the matter. He'll have to lay down the law that he wants her as his mom, not his girlfriend. Do understand that because of their separation that his mother has no parental feelings or parental connection to her son. She sees him only as a beautiful man whom she is powerfully attracted to. I imagine that it could also be difficult for him, too, as he doesn't see her as a parent either. If you don't see each other as parent, child, or sibling, which is something that is imprinted on our psyches over many years of close contact in those roles, then they become little more than a highly attractive sexual opportunity.

01-24-2008, 11:46 AM	#3
simba Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 10	Hi victor, Im sorry but I feel quite compelled to tell you this.I have read the majority of your posts.Each time you write a very grounded ,sympathetic intelligant and kind reply.You seem to be very understanding and extremely knowledgable.People like yourself I find a lifesaver within this site. Thankyou.

01-24-2008, 08:51 PM	#4
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 70	I would have to "echo" Simba's comments to you, Victor. You do seem to provide well thought-out responses to other readers' posts. I must say, though, that I am mildly offended by this most recent comment about being little more than a sexual opportunity between reunion participants. I was not looking for a sexual "opportunity" - and I don't think that a lot of us were. Yes, the end result in my reunion story was sex. But, that was not the point of the act - it was the need to bond that resulted in the sex. True, this birth mother is crossing the line (as I did with my son, tragically) and I agree that her son is going to have to establish boundaries if the relationship is to continue in a platonic way. She may eventually try to establish those boundaries herself as time goes on, but right now she is reacting to her strong feelings - not acting from the standpoint of a parent. Because, as Victor points out, she does not feel like a parent. I do empathize with the pain that Jasonsgirl must be feeling. This GSA is very strong and so very confusing to those watching it develop. Keeping open communication with him (you and him) is a key element, as well as providing opportunities for the bonding process between him and his mother in a public way so that the feelings she is experiencing do not manifest into a sexual encounter. Counseling for all of you (alone and together) may also be helpful. However, if his birth mother is not willing to do respect his boundaries, Jason may have to end his relationship with her. Just my thoughts - kc

01-29-2008, 04:21 PM	#7
Jasonsgirl2448 Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 2	Thank you all very much for your thoughts. I have been asking him some tough questions about all of this, but as he answers them, I am finding that it is getting easier to understand. I don't think I'll ever truly understand it all, but at least he's helping me wrap my brain around it somewhat. I think it just makes it more difficult for me to understand because I was molested by my father as a child....so, I don't know....it's just all been very hard to understand. I'm trying, though. I'll never quit trying to understand because he's so worth all of these emotions. I'd stand by him through anything. Thank you all again. I think just hearing that my emotions about all of this are understandable helps me...I just didn't know what to feel exactly.