Do you ever get over them when it is over?

crazyandscared · 03-28-2008, 09:19 AM

If you were in a GSA relationship and for ever reason it is over, did you get over them and move on to a happy relationship with someone else? Or are you still in love with them and just with another because you had to move on?

Also, did you ever become just sister and brother or just mother and son / father and daughter? What was the relationship like after it ended? Strange and not as close or remained very close, but just in a family way?

ShedMYskin · 03-28-2008, 08:24 PM

My relationship with my sister is confusing..were not together now and i realyl dont know if well ever be together again...she'll always be my heart..i still love her dearly..its not as close as before, part because she doenst have the means of communicating with me she says...ill always be here friend though but when its over u just move on dont hope and live ur life..

kmk91 · 03-28-2008, 10:13 PM

well said shed...im currently in one but were a little shakey...i hate to say it but for me personally i could never stop loving her the way i do now...your husband could be different and i hope so for your sake because you seem to be a very nice person but me personally...i could never stop...

5Kmom · 03-28-2008, 11:47 PM

It's been 3 and 1/2 years since I last saw my son and almost 2 years since I last spoke with him on the phone. He does not respond to my cards and I do not try to call him anymore. However, I feel he would definetly say to "stop" sending cards, etc., if he really wanted me to stop. I think he accepts them because he doesn't want to lost track of me completely (or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part!) At any rate, now that the chaos of our discovery is over, and now that I have gone through some extensive counselling and therapy, I feel like I understand what happened and would know how to handle the situation appropriately if I were ever to have the opportunity to see him again. I will never stop loving him - but not in the GSA way that I felt before. I just will never stop loving him because he is genetically my son. My hope is that someday in the future I will have the chance to start "over" with him and develop a mother/son relationship - or, at the very least, a friend/friend relationship (he has a mother, after all). But, no, my GSA feelings have subsided and I now am able to see what I was caught up in emotionally at the time.
5Kmom

5Kmom · 03-29-2008, 12:01 AM

I might add, Crazyandscared, I am married and my husband discovered the relationship between my son and I. He was devastated - of course - and angry and all of the emotions that you have been expressing. I think you are going through all the feelings that accompany the destruction of a relationship - even when it's not exacerbated by the situation between your husband and his sister. But, if you read the posts of advice from the people on this site, they do have a common thread and... not surprisingly, it is the same info you would get in therapy: You are responsible for your own happiness - not your husband, not his sister. Embrace that power, Crazyandscared! When you focus on what YOU need, what YOU want, what YOU deserve, you will find yourself focusing less and less on what wrong has befallen you. Build yourself up (just like you mentioned in a previous post about trying to find yourself again) and become strong and self-reliant, because no one wants someone who is not self-reliant, really. But life isn't made to be lived for anyone other than yourself anyway. If we do that, we get to the end and are bitter and disappointed. True, your husband may want you more when you leave - but that's not the important issue. What's important is that you are doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself... because until we love ourselves, we can not love someone else. Take care and I pray you find the strength you need -
5Kmom

crazyandscared · 03-31-2008, 12:17 PM

Thank you 5KMOM, for sharing that with me. I am working on myself now and he can see that and has actually encouraged me to think of just me and not us so much so I can stand on my own 2 feet again. He does not want me to leave, but to get back to what I was before all the mess. He still says he has done nothing wrong and would not and could not ever cheat on me, not his style. I have to say that is true about him, he is not a cheater. He is a bit more loving and we had a good weekend. We talked about her and what she means to him and he said " I wish you could only understand what it is between she and I or feel it and then you could relax" and then he cried. He told me he loves me very much and always has, but the bond with them is not the same. He said it is not sexual or romantic in any way but non the less one I have never felt with anyone. He said you are my wife she is my sis.....that is all.

He has encouraged me to find my 1/2 brother so maybe I can experience what he is going through......so you see GOD is watching me and maybe there is light at the end of my tunnel.

THANK YOU ALL FOR HELPING !

Victor · 03-31-2008, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazyandscared

If you were in a GSA relationship and for ever reason it is over, did you get over them and move on to a happy relationship with someone else? Or are you still in love with them and just with another because you had to move on?

Also, did you ever become just sister and brother or just mother and son / father and daughter? What was the relationship like after it ended? Strange and not as close or remained very close, but just in a family way?

It's been one year since we first met. We've been trying for a long time now to normalize who we are to one another. She tells me now that she has become more my daughter and feels dirty and icky in my presence or when she thinks about us because of how we used to feel for each other. I would like to think that I, too, have started to become more her father, having put away any hope of this ever becoming something other than that. But I still love her like I have loved no one else. I still long for her touch, for her scent, for her being close to me, even though I no longer hope for it. When we are together we sit far apart. We kiss our own fingers and blow the kiss across the room to avoid getting closer. We both know that being close, touching, kissing will reignite our burning. The distance for me is painful. I don't know what it is for her, but I can only imagine it's the same. But she wants to be normal....to have a normal life. To have a normal husband, and maybe someday feel "normal" about me as her father and feel nothing else for me but the unconditional love of a daughter for her dad. And because I love her as much as I do, it's all I can want for her, to help her realize what she wants over and above anything else I may want. I guess that's what it means to be a father. A real father.

crazyandscared · 04-02-2008, 12:31 PM

Victor, thank you I am so proud you said that ! My husband finally opened up to me as we were making love and cried. He said that he has always been and will always be in love with me and was very HURT that I made what was between he and his sis DIRTY. He said it is not what you think and you started a fire around my new family and I was ashamed of you at the time. He said you have NO reason at all to be threatened by her, she is my sis and I love her, but I AM IN LOVE with you. He said you drove a wedge between you and I 16 months ago because you did not get it, neither did he. He said this is not about you, it is about me and my family, BUT I should have shared more with you.

He has been really trying since last Friday and we have had long talks abouty his fears (his dad is sick and they still know nothing about each other) and her. He told me she is the key to the past he never knew. The other sibs do not tell him about the reunions, aunts, uncles, cousins he never knew. She does....she really loves him and that is what he needs right now. I do love him and told him I was sorry but we have to come first no matter what and she can be second, he agreed and said he never meant to make me feel that way.

I still feel it was GSA and that is ok now as long as they are ok now. I do not believe he had sex with her now, but does have very strong feelings for her as if she is an angel sort of....understand. The mother was a drunk pill popper so she was and still is the mother figure on that side, maybe that is the link....she really cares for him

He said that all the ugly things she said about me was his fault, he was telling her all the bad instead of good about me because in 13 years he kept all that inside, understood. I still do not care for her, but will get over he calls her...he is calling and texting me now too....

Thank you all and I wish you all the luck, I see how bad it can be for you as well.

God Bless you all !

Victor · 04-02-2008, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazyandscared

Victor, thank you I am so proud you said that ! My husband finally opened up to me as we were making love and cried. He said that he has always been and will always be in love with me and was very HURT that I made what was between he and his sis DIRTY. He said it is not what you think and you started a fire around my new family and I was ashamed of you at the time. He said you have NO reason at all to be threatened by her, she is my sis and I love her, but I AM IN LOVE with you. He said you drove a wedge between you and I 16 months ago because you did not get it, neither did he. He said this is not about you, it is about me and my family, BUT I should have shared more with you.

He has been really trying since last Friday and we have had long talks abouty his fears (his dad is sick and they still know nothing about each other) and her. He told me she is the key to the past he never knew. The other sibs do not tell him about the reunions, aunts, uncles, cousins he never knew. She does....she really loves him and that is what he needs right now. I do love him and told him I was sorry but we have to come first no matter what and she can be second, he agreed and said he never meant to make me feel that way.

I still feel it was GSA and that is ok now as long as they are ok now. I do not believe he had sex with her now, but does have very strong feelings for her as if she is an angel sort of....understand. The mother was a drunk pill popper so she was and still is the mother figure on that side, maybe that is the link....she really cares for him

He said that all the ugly things she said about me was his fault, he was telling her all the bad instead of good about me because in 13 years he kept all that inside, understood. I still do not care for her, but will get over he calls her...he is calling and texting me now too....

Thank you all and I wish you all the luck, I see how bad it can be for you as well.

God Bless you all !

Yes, you can have GSA for someone and not act on it fully. Yes it can seem over the top....IT IS! When we find our lost sister, or child, we are overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions and we sometimes act strange when we are around them. My wife didn't get it either and after just 10 days she threw me out of the house and accused me of having slept with my daughter. No such thing happened, but she was certain of it....like you were of your husband. My own marriage is over. But I'm glad you decided that yours wasn't and you finally confronted him. His feelings for her are not over, and there will still be times when he acts strange. But they will get less with time. It takes time to put these feelings in their proper perspective. my daughter and I aren't there yet, but I keep hoping that someday it will be okay to hold her or hug her or even kiss her on the cheek. For now all I have is her word that she loves me. Her actions tell me she's disgusted by me. I have to keep believing that she's telling me the truth.

Good luck.

crazyandscared · 04-03-2008, 10:07 AM

Thank you Victor. I am sorry that your wife did not have the patience or the knowledge to understand and get through it all. I still pray that I do....he still calls her almost everyday again, but I am not focusing on that now and just hope it is all in the past. I do have an underlying fear I may just be the cover so they can start all over again where they left off, time will tell. He is totally different with me now and is like he was a long time ago. The sex is not the same yet, but getting there. He is sweet, attentive and very loving again and that is what we need right now. I have to just believe he is telling the truth and let the cards fall. If he is not, I will know it was not me and move on with my life, I will NOT be taken for a fool again nor will I act like one.

If he loves me as he says he does, it will all be ok. I am sorry you feel your daughter is digusted by you, it is not you, but what she felt remember that is a hard thing to live with......I have no idea how hard, but I know what he has been through.

Can I ask you something? How will I know if it is happening again, the secret world they had? He only calls her once a day versus all day now and it is no more than 15 - 25 minutes at a time. He loves and I have to respect and support that and if I do the reward will be mine. His father is ill right now so he is dealing with not knowing him and may never now....must be hard he is talking to me about it. He said she is the link to thier past and that is why they talk alot....she is the only one that tells him all of what is happening. He had a chance to go see them all this week, he backed out due to being uncomfortable with the dad. I myself think he should do a DNA and see if in fact it is his real dad and go from there, I have some doubts.

I am just remaining calm and supportive and being there when he needs me to listen, that is all I can do now. I am finding me again just in case things go bad, I will at least have that to fall on as I have not for a long time.

Thank you for being honest and letting me know it may be GSA, but not what I thought. He has to deal with this one on his own and maybe my love and support will help him sort it out once and for all.....I love him dearly and want to give US another chance for a real life.....

03-28-2008, 09:19 AM	#1
crazyandscared Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 40	Do you ever get over them when it is over? If you were in a GSA relationship and for ever reason it is over, did you get over them and move on to a happy relationship with someone else? Or are you still in love with them and just with another because you had to move on? Also, did you ever become just sister and brother or just mother and son / father and daughter? What was the relationship like after it ended? Strange and not as close or remained very close, but just in a family way?

03-28-2008, 10:13 PM	#3
kmk91 Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Pennsylvania, USA Posts: 41	well said shed...im currently in one but were a little shakey...i hate to say it but for me personally i could never stop loving her the way i do now...your husband could be different and i hope so for your sake because you seem to be a very nice person but me personally...i could never stop... __________________ Aren't there more important things the government should be worrying about? Like the WAR(!) or something?

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03-28-2008, 08:24 PM	#2
ShedMYskin Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: United States Posts: 25	My relationship with my sister is confusing..were not together now and i realyl dont know if well ever be together again...she'll always be my heart..i still love her dearly..its not as close as before, part because she doenst have the means of communicating with me she says...ill always be here friend though but when its over u just move on dont hope and live ur life..

03-28-2008, 11:47 PM	#4
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 60	It's been 3 and 1/2 years since I last saw my son and almost 2 years since I last spoke with him on the phone. He does not respond to my cards and I do not try to call him anymore. However, I feel he would definetly say to "stop" sending cards, etc., if he really wanted me to stop. I think he accepts them because he doesn't want to lost track of me completely (or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part!) At any rate, now that the chaos of our discovery is over, and now that I have gone through some extensive counselling and therapy, I feel like I understand what happened and would know how to handle the situation appropriately if I were ever to have the opportunity to see him again. I will never stop loving him - but not in the GSA way that I felt before. I just will never stop loving him because he is genetically my son. My hope is that someday in the future I will have the chance to start "over" with him and develop a mother/son relationship - or, at the very least, a friend/friend relationship (he has a mother, after all). But, no, my GSA feelings have subsided and I now am able to see what I was caught up in emotionally at the time. 5Kmom

03-29-2008, 12:01 AM	#5
5Kmom Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 60	I might add, Crazyandscared, I am married and my husband discovered the relationship between my son and I. He was devastated - of course - and angry and all of the emotions that you have been expressing. I think you are going through all the feelings that accompany the destruction of a relationship - even when it's not exacerbated by the situation between your husband and his sister. But, if you read the posts of advice from the people on this site, they do have a common thread and... not surprisingly, it is the same info you would get in therapy: You are responsible for your own happiness - not your husband, not his sister. Embrace that power, Crazyandscared! When you focus on what YOU need, what YOU want, what YOU deserve, you will find yourself focusing less and less on what wrong has befallen you. Build yourself up (just like you mentioned in a previous post about trying to find yourself again) and become strong and self-reliant, because no one wants someone who is not self-reliant, really. But life isn't made to be lived for anyone other than yourself anyway. If we do that, we get to the end and are bitter and disappointed. True, your husband may want you more when you leave - but that's not the important issue. What's important is that you are doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself... because until we love ourselves, we can not love someone else. Take care and I pray you find the strength you need - 5Kmom

03-31-2008, 12:17 PM	#6
crazyandscared Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 40	Thank you 5KMOM, for sharing that with me. I am working on myself now and he can see that and has actually encouraged me to think of just me and not us so much so I can stand on my own 2 feet again. He does not want me to leave, but to get back to what I was before all the mess. He still says he has done nothing wrong and would not and could not ever cheat on me, not his style. I have to say that is true about him, he is not a cheater. He is a bit more loving and we had a good weekend. We talked about her and what she means to him and he said " I wish you could only understand what it is between she and I or feel it and then you could relax" and then he cried. He told me he loves me very much and always has, but the bond with them is not the same. He said it is not sexual or romantic in any way but non the less one I have never felt with anyone. He said you are my wife she is my sis.....that is all. He has encouraged me to find my 1/2 brother so maybe I can experience what he is going through......so you see GOD is watching me and maybe there is light at the end of my tunnel. THANK YOU ALL FOR HELPING !

04-02-2008, 12:31 PM	#8
crazyandscared Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 40	Victor, thank you I am so proud you said that ! My husband finally opened up to me as we were making love and cried. He said that he has always been and will always be in love with me and was very HURT that I made what was between he and his sis DIRTY. He said it is not what you think and you started a fire around my new family and I was ashamed of you at the time. He said you have NO reason at all to be threatened by her, she is my sis and I love her, but I AM IN LOVE with you. He said you drove a wedge between you and I 16 months ago because you did not get it, neither did he. He said this is not about you, it is about me and my family, BUT I should have shared more with you. He has been really trying since last Friday and we have had long talks abouty his fears (his dad is sick and they still know nothing about each other) and her. He told me she is the key to the past he never knew. The other sibs do not tell him about the reunions, aunts, uncles, cousins he never knew. She does....she really loves him and that is what he needs right now. I do love him and told him I was sorry but we have to come first no matter what and she can be second, he agreed and said he never meant to make me feel that way. I still feel it was GSA and that is ok now as long as they are ok now. I do not believe he had sex with her now, but does have very strong feelings for her as if she is an angel sort of....understand. The mother was a drunk pill popper so she was and still is the mother figure on that side, maybe that is the link....she really cares for him He said that all the ugly things she said about me was his fault, he was telling her all the bad instead of good about me because in 13 years he kept all that inside, understood. I still do not care for her, but will get over he calls her...he is calling and texting me now too.... Thank you all and I wish you all the luck, I see how bad it can be for you as well. God Bless you all !

04-03-2008, 10:07 AM	#10
crazyandscared Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 40	Thank you Victor. I am sorry that your wife did not have the patience or the knowledge to understand and get through it all. I still pray that I do....he still calls her almost everyday again, but I am not focusing on that now and just hope it is all in the past. I do have an underlying fear I may just be the cover so they can start all over again where they left off, time will tell. He is totally different with me now and is like he was a long time ago. The sex is not the same yet, but getting there. He is sweet, attentive and very loving again and that is what we need right now. I have to just believe he is telling the truth and let the cards fall. If he is not, I will know it was not me and move on with my life, I will NOT be taken for a fool again nor will I act like one. If he loves me as he says he does, it will all be ok. I am sorry you feel your daughter is digusted by you, it is not you, but what she felt remember that is a hard thing to live with......I have no idea how hard, but I know what he has been through. Can I ask you something? How will I know if it is happening again, the secret world they had? He only calls her once a day versus all day now and it is no more than 15 - 25 minutes at a time. He loves and I have to respect and support that and if I do the reward will be mine. His father is ill right now so he is dealing with not knowing him and may never now....must be hard he is talking to me about it. He said she is the link to thier past and that is why they talk alot....she is the only one that tells him all of what is happening. He had a chance to go see them all this week, he backed out due to being uncomfortable with the dad. I myself think he should do a DNA and see if in fact it is his real dad and go from there, I have some doubts. I am just remaining calm and supportive and being there when he needs me to listen, that is all I can do now. I am finding me again just in case things go bad, I will at least have that to fall on as I have not for a long time. Thank you for being honest and letting me know it may be GSA, but not what I thought. He has to deal with this one on his own and maybe my love and support will help him sort it out once and for all.....I love him dearly and want to give US another chance for a real life.....