Wow! There's a name for this...

[mischki]

...other than "incest."

When I found this site, I IM'd my brother and said, "guess what! There's a name for what happened!" and sent him the link.

I've been reading the posts - all the good, bad and ugly things that have happened. I'm so sorry for all the heartbreak out there.

My story is pretty straight-forward and doesn't have an "ending" so to speak, happy or otherwise (yet). But I just had to post. (By the way, bro, if you happen to read this, I hope you don't mind if I share... I'll try to keep it generic enough that no one will know who we are, but you may recognize us...).

I'm 38 and my brother is 42. Our mother died when we were very young. I was adopted by one family, and my brother and sisters by another. We've always known about each other, and have visited each other occasionally throughout the years, even as children. But never for more than a weekend or so, and there were usually many years between visits.

I first noticed an attraction between us when I was about 12 and he was 16. I figured it was just my longing to have a big brother (my siblings in my adopted family were grown and gone when I came along). But I had a good idea that the attraction was mutual.

That was pretty much confirmed in my mind when he married a woman who looked a lot like me... (he later admitted to me that it was...).

Long story short, we met up again last weekend. I live about 450 miles away, but was visiting the area where we grew up and he still lives. We hadn't seen each other in about 12 years. We went out, had a few, and before we knew it, one thing led to another and we ended up in my hotel room. It was absolutely wonderful.

Maybe I'm weird, but I have absolutely no regrets, no shame, and no guilt. I'm not in love with him. I'm not obsessed with him. I don't feel like he's my soul mate or we were always meant to be together. (Don't get me wrong - I'm not disregarding the feelings others on this site may have, I'm just saying I don't have them).

As far as I'm concerned, he's just a man that I found to be extremely attractive, the feelings were mutual, and we finally released a long-time pent-up sexual desire.

To me, it seemed our attraction was much like the old TV shows where the whole romantic tension between two main characters on the show kept it going (the whole "will they, won't they" thing...). I expected our attraction to completely fizzle once we "did it" just like the shows usually went downhill after the characters finally "got together." I thought it was the tension that kept it exciting.

But it didn't fizzle out, really. I was still attracted to him the next day. We went and visited family, we talked in the car on the way there and back. When he dropped me off at my hotel, I invited him in but he declined. I was disappointed but I understood. I think he needed to get his head around the whole thing and it was too soon.

We've chatted since then, and I thought maybe he'd be ashamed or embarrassed or guilty or something, so I didn't push it. (I knew I wasn't, but like I said, I'm weird - I had no problems with "one-night-stands" in the past and some may think that in itself shows some type of dysfunctionality - I just think I'm open and realistic).

To my surprise, he said he felt comfortable with it. Not awkward at all. I even mentioned a "next time" and he didn't balk. I'd like to have that experience again, only without the alcohol.

In my mind, it was just really good sex. The fact that he is my full-blood brother is just an interesting twist. (The whole time we were driving back to my hotel, I just kept thinking to myself "I can't believe I'm going to sleep with my brother!" but it didn't occur to me to stop it from happening).

I'm married with two children. He's recently divorced and is just starting to date again. I have no jealousy towards him dating. I hope he finds "the one." I want to continue our relationship as big brother, little sister. But I do want to sleep with him again. (Actually, the BEST part was the spooning afterward... we just seemed to "fit.")

I find it greatly interesting (and it actually makes sense) that there is a scientific reason for this. I've always been fascinated by genetics (probably because I wasn't raised in a genetically related family situation) and both my biological siblings and I are constantly amazed at people who look like each other. What so many take for granted, that is, family members resembling each other, I never knew. Adding that to the fact that people are often attracted to mates who look similar to themselves, GSA makes a lot of sense. (My first husband and I looked so much alike, that many people thought we were brother and sister).

What I find really stupid (and this is echoed all over this site) is that when two adults meet and find each other sexually attractive and decide to act upon that attraction, that the fact that they are blood related all the sudden makes it a crime. I found out that what we did is a Class D Felony in the state we were in.

I'd love to hear comments on this (but not the troll BS!). So many of the posts I read were about the guilt or the feelings of being soulmates. I've also seen those that ask, "have you had this happen," and "what's wrong with me?" I guess I'm asking the same thing: has anyone out there experienced the attraction, acted on it, not felt guilty yet not been obsessed? Or is there something "wrong" with me that, not only did I commit incest, I have no regrets yet no expectations?

Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me share my story! And thanks for the website!

[BarbGonyo]

Hello Mischki and your brother.

I'm glad you found our site and were able to share your story. I'd like to address your statement about there being a name for this.

Yes it is called GSA due to lack of a better name. But I hope you won't think because it isn't called incest that it isn't incest. To help make it clearer for everyone who might read this, here is the definition of incest.

Incest: The crime of cohabitation between persons related within the degrees wherein marriage is prohibited by law.

So if you are blood brother and sister this relationship shoul not be a sexual relationship.

Interesting though is the fact that an adopted child is also prohibited by law from marrying their adopted brother or sister also which should not have the same consequences since they are not blood related but by all appearances are siblings.

In most places cohabitation with a sibling or parent and in some places even first cousins is breaking the law. When we break the law, we have to pay the price.

What is our price when we fall in love with our sibling or child or uncle that we have been separated from. It can be guilt, which you say you don't feel. But on the other hand even if you don't feel guilty what can happen to other relatioships that you or he are in that will end due to the two of you breaking the taboo? Right now I'm guessing that you think that won't matter because you two are adults and you can do whatever you want to do.

I've not found that to be the case. We always pay if we don't obey the rules, no matter what they are. If we are skipped over in this department, I can tell you that those we hurt when breaking the taboo can pay deeply as I talk with people all the time who are trying to survive losing a spouse or children due to GSA.

Actually there is nothing wrong with feeling GSA and it is pretty common to have a fast reunion filled with feelings we don't understand and rush to fix. We have feelings about a lot of things but we can't act on everything we feel as the price is too high to pay.

How many times would you have like to pick up a brick and do harm to someone but you don't. Why not? Because we know better and the price to pay is too high for the person getting the brick or you who is the person who tried to take care of what her emotions told her.

There are many people who have written to me over the years in deep pain and joy sometimes all mixed in together. People who feel that they have suffered separation and now they are owed the priviledge of doing what their hearts tell them they need no matter what. They feel it is their turn to get what they want.

They may be glad to find this site hoping that they will get validation for their feelings and actions. If they don't get that they will look to other sites that will tell them that they are right and deserve to be let alone with their needs. I don't know which you will choose.

I do know that when we discover or rediscover someone who is like us and that we never should have been separated from in the first place in a perfect world, we are full of emotions and love and needs that we don't understand and we need time to know what is going on with us and talk it out, not have a drink, get a motel room and think we have found the love of our lives.

These are people we are related to and share similiar likes and dislikes with and look at the world in similiar ways which makes us feel that no one else in the world could be like this other me. We do need these people in our lives but as who they are, siblings or parents, or children etc. That has removed by separation and reunion needs a lot of time to digest all these feelings. Sex can get in the way of dealing with this.

The problem is that society, adoption, divorce or whatever has separated us has left us with many issues we need to deal with and just getting back together is loaded with misunderstood emotions.

I'm not trying to sound like I'm beating you up, but I'm trying to help you understand what you could be feeling. Had you and your brother grown up together, you probably would have always been special to each other but trying to solve everything with intimacy could lead to much pain.

I hope you will read a lot of the posts and see where you may see yourself and what would be right for everyone concerned.

I know how hard this is as I've felt these feelings and it took years before I could let them go.

Barb Gonyo
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[mischki]

No, Barb, I didn't feel like you were beating me up. But I do feel lectured and as if you didn't actually READ my post.

On feeling lectured:

I KNOW that it was incest... My subject header had to do with the fact that there was a name for the specific TYPE of experience that occured. I can look up definitions as well as anyone with a keyboard and access to a search engine. In fact I found your site that way.

And I DO know that, had I grown up with my brother, we would never have had these urges. He has absolutely NO sexual attraction to our two other sisters with whom he was raised, and I would NEVER consider my adopted brothers attractive in the least. That is what makes it such an interesting topic worthy of more study, which I thought was part of the agenda on this site. Obviously not.

I didn't quite appreciate the morality lecture, either. I'm not an irresponsible, spoiled, self-indulgent 18-year-old who is out on her own for the first time, staying up late and eating junk food because she can. If I had wanted the lecture about the brick, I wouldn't have come to a "support" website, I would've told my mother.

And we didn't "run off and get a motel room" - I was already staying in one (as if the WHERE has ANYTHING to do with it). You make it sound like I went into this with the intention of sleeping with my brother. Trust me, I didn't.

As for feeling that you didn't read my post:

There was no "flood of emotion" at a reunion either - as I stated before, we've known each other for years. I would compare it to seeing someone you knew in high school but weren't very close to then, and finding out you have a lot more in common than you thought.

I can understand that many people ARE hurt by it - spouses, children, etc. I feel sorry for those who are. Just as I feel bad for those whose spouses have left them for someone they met online.

But that is not my case. In fact, no one was hurt by it. I stated that I was not obsessed with him, nor he with me, nor did we "fall in love." My husband knows what happened and it doesn't bother him. He knows no one can ever take his place. My brother isn't in a relationship. Neither my children nor his will ever know, our parents are dead, and there's no way we would ever mention it to our other siblings. I don't feel guilty.

I have no desire to leave my husband and be with my brother. It was just another life experience. And if it does or doesn't happen again, I'll be fine with it either way. (I said I'd like to again, but I didn't mean I'm going to make it happen - if it does it does, if it doesn't it doesn't).

Perhaps I didn't word my post correctly. Perhaps I misled you into thinking I wanted a pat on the back. I asked for responses because I noticed that those posts that didn't received none, and I posed the last two questions in order to open up discussion, not as an invitation to be chastised.

So let me set the record straight: I didn't come here looking for "validation for my feelings;" I was just sharing an experience. I was not looking for "is it right or wrong to act on our feelings;" I was looking for others who had had a similar experience without the guilt and heartache. Those who had had something other than the sad painful ones you mention that are more common.

I HAVE read other posts on this website. I congratulate people such as Luvsbubba who can make it work. I also feel sorry for those whose lives have been torn apart by this. But the reason for MY post was that I DIDN'T see myself in them.

Unfortunately, I must fall into a category that is not addressed here: one where it happened, I'm not going to pursue it nor prevent it from ever happening again, and I'm okay with it.

And you must have realized that you were lecturing and judging me by your comments referring to "other" sites and "beating me up."

I guess I will look elsewhere. And that's unfortunate as well. Because, according to your home page:

[BarbGonyo]

Please accept my apology. I did read your post and was trying to tell you these things as a warning not a scoulding.

The problem with websites and emails is that the tone can be assumed and not always read as intented.

I do mean this site to be for people to share and help each other and lately I've had people arguing, porn invaders, and junk mail use this site and I want this to be a place for help and support.

So please forgive me if I misunderstood you or you misunderstood me.

Barb Gonyo
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[MP]

I find this story pretty interesting, the feelings before and afterwards. There are probably some people that would just classify this as just normal incest, but I think there's something a bit more that made it seem so special.

And from what I've seen and can remember, I don't think anyone has told a story like yours. But I defintely don't think it's wrong. There doesn't seem to be any hurting, regret, separations, etc. I'm not sure if it's the state of mind I'm in right now, but the story actually made me feel all nice inside that this was a happy story.

[cap]

Just my 2 cents on what is right & wrong as far as society sees it:

In Boston a couple hundred years ago it was ok and legal to shoot an indian on the Boston Common before sunset. It was perfectly legal to own slaves, and it was also ok for a 35 year old to marry an 11 year old. By the way, up until early this century it was also legal to beat your wife with a stick no wider than your thumb!

When I was born it was thought gay people were gay because they chose that lifestyle and could be cured (genetics?), divorse was not approved of. society didn't want young unwed mothers to have children out of wedlock (so societys views says it's ok for my to be adopted and not meet my family until I'm 32).

Roe vs. wade wasen't passed until 1971 or 1972 so before that abortion wasen't allowed but after it was and on & on & on.......

My point is, to hell what society says is right & wrong as long as what you do does not hurt others. Make your own choices from the heart. I'm not saying don't listen to advice from others or take societies laws or views into consideration, but don't totaly ignore your heart just because right now some law (written when?) says you can marry this person and not that. By the way, they just rewrote our marrying laws so gay people could marry, and I say good for them.

cap