Is All Genetic Sexual Attraction Created Equal?

By Julie DeNeen

I suppose it should be noted that each individual relationship carries with it a unique set of circumstances which makes understanding the right solution an extremely personal matter. And yet, you will find common threads, emotions, consequences, and behaviors among almost all GSA relationships. The biggest difference seems to run along this fault line: were or are you in a sibling GSA relationship, or a parent/child GSA relationship? This should be the first question asked when trying to prescribe a remedy for the situation.

Having only experienced a parent/child GSA relationship, I can really only speak authoritatively on that side of the coin. But I want to point out some core ideas that will help explain why some of us may come at this differently than others.

Parent/Child GSA

I would argue that this type of GSA relationship is probably the more complex of the two. The primary problem? When two people come into a reunion, there is an imbalance of power. In the majority of circumstances, the parent either willingly or unwillingly abandoned the child in some way. The child did not have a choice in this matter. When a reunion happens, whether the child realizes it or not, their subconscious mind carries the understanding that the parent "left" him or her. If that wound hasn't been worked through, there is a feeling of inadequacy or deficiency that makes the child vulnerable to earning the parent's approval or affirmation. Secondly, the original relational roles are one of give and take. In the ideal scenario, the parent is a fully functioning adult who gives their love to the child, which in turn helps the child to grow and develop into a mature adult. The child is more of the receiver in the relationship throughout the growing up years. In a reunion, the child is more than likely an adult themselves, but that give and take relationship is still an undercurrent running through their communication. The child longs for unconditional love, and the parent is the primary giver of that. For example, when my son Evan screams he hates me in an argument, I feel the sting of those words, but it does not undo my emotional health. In reverse however, if I scream I hate him- I can set him up for a lifetime of self-esteem issues. Again, I realize that I am talking about a child and an adult, and in GSA- it is two adults. But we cannot ignore or underestimate those roles that are ingrained in us. Since separation prevented an opportunity to bond as a child, we can safely assume that most adult children who reunite with their biological parents, are still carrying some of the emotional needs of a child. You add that to a wound of rejection and abandonment? You have a setup where the adult child is far more vulnerable than the parent.

In parent/child GSA, especially daughters reaching out to their fathers, the possibility for manipulation, mind games, power plays, and outright abuse is higher. A father might not even recognize his own motivations, but may find himself pulled into the power of GSA and think that his daughter wants his sexual attention, when she is looking for love that doesn't cost her- the true unconditional love of a parent. She may even suggest or ask for his sexual attention- that does not mean she is really in touch with what she wants. Daughters know intuitively that being a "daughter" was not enough the first time around- so in a reunion, she may try to be more for him in hopes that the relationship is permanent.

Sibling GSA

In this GSA situation, the genetic attraction component may be stronger. Since siblings share the most genetic DNA of any GSA relationship, the "finding" oneself in the other person might feel like the most powerful drug of all. The relational roles however, are slightly less complex because both parties are coming to the table in equal roles. The balance of power may be slightly off kilter depending on gender and who's older, but you will hear people in sibling GSA relationships testify that they didn't "feel" like family- they simply fell in love in the same way two strangers might fall in love. Oftentimes, sibling GSA relationships abandon the brother/sister roles and relate simply and primarily as lovers- only with the magnetic pull of shared DNA. A parent and child in a sexual relationship will struggle with the conflict of dueling roles which bump up against each other.

However, some siblings who do invest into a romantic sexual relationship will need to come to terms of their defined roles of brother and sister. There can be a moment, when one or both take a step back and think, "Oh, my gosh, what have we done?" This begins an internal struggle of trying to integrate with societal norms, religious beliefs, values and morals. It all must be evaluated and redefined. Some sibling relationships may completely fall apart at this juncture. One of the siblings may not be able to discuss their thoughts and feelings directly and may hurtfully walk away from the other, leaving them without any more contact, because of their fears and feelings surrounding the incest.

It can be particularly painful when a strong connection is made to a reunited sibling, the feelings of finding a 'twin soul,' the thrill of acting on and experiencing the best romantic sexual connection ever- to have it all fall apart because of the next necessary step. How does a GSA sibling relationship integrate with their families, their friends, their work, their community, and society? Some decide that their love can conquer all of this and live a life in secret due to the laws surrounding incest and the fear of being tormented if they are found out.

Most GSA relationships- whether parent and child, or sibling- cannot withstand all the external factors and stress. Once the relationship folds due to a variety of reasons, it is common for both to move one without each other. This is the tragedy of GSA. Both parties longing for connection- yet further separated because of a relationship gone terribly wrong. It takes a lot of work, internal awareness, compassion and communication for them to re-establish their roles as brother/sister or parent/child after a GSA encounter. It can happen, and has for some of us. And for some, the story is not over yet.