Working through GSA with son

[Victor]

Littleboo, I would be more than happy to discuss the situation with you, here or in private.

Up front I would tell you to not judge your father by your mother's anger. We are human and tend to make our ex out to be the bad one when the truth is closer that we both had a part in the failure of that marriage. It's hard to take blame on ourselves. You might also want to consider that people do change as they grow in years. Your father, even if he was the monster your mom made him out to be, may not be that monster anymore. You need to give him a chance to prove what kind of person he is now.

You feelings of jealousy may be tied to the genetic sexual attraction you feel for your father, and nothing more. Try to realize that the jealousy is yours and that only you can put it aside. Your half sibs have as much right to his love now as you do. You can't try to exclude them or you will force him to make a choice....a choice that may end up excluding you.

Above all, don't try to make him express for you what you feel for him. He may be feeling it but is shocked that he does feel a strong sexual desire where he expects one shouldn't be. It could actually scare him. I know it did me at first. I admitted as much to my wife and her therapist. Above all, try to set for yourself some boundaries if you can. If you can't then I can only wish you the best of luck. That's what most of us here are struggling with....crossed boundaries.

Vic

[Victor]

Originally Posted by aalex

After knowing him about 1 month she left her husband and two children (ages 5 and 8) to go and live with him in another state 800 miles away. She continues to talk with me once or twice each week but there is no inclination to discuss the need for any help or the possibility of returning to her family. She has come for three visits but the children become so upset when she does visit and then leaves again that we have decided it is probably better for her not to come. She seems completely unable to identify with our pain.

She does not admit to a sexual relationship but the signs are all there. Her bio father has even gotten a divorce since all this happened. He says he was in a bad marriage and that is the reason for the divorce but I don't really buy it. I have talked, pleaded, tried to coerce, you name it, and nothing has helped. So now, for now, I am trying to allow her to do what she is doing and face the consequences when they come. I just find it so hard to see the pain of her children and husband and not try to do something. She seems completely dead emotionally except when she speaks of her birth father. Her birth mother is deceased so she never got to meet her. I think this fact has compounded the problem. I have let her know that she can come home and that no matter what she has done she can be okay, but she does not seem to want to join her family. She says she isn't cut out to be a mother. I find it strange that she seemed like a perfectly good mother for 8 years. Her children adore her.

That she comes to visit tells me that she does in deed identify with everyone's pain. Otherwise she just wouldn't bother with them at all. What may be is that you really can't identify with hers. Aalex, take your most powerful experience with love at first sight and multiply it by 100. That is the power of GSA. That is the power of the feelings that your adopted daughter is dealing with. Remember the "pain" of not being around that love? It is that much worse for the person experiencing GSA with a sibling or parent. I speak of this from my own experiences with both.

My own daughter quit a well paying job to come live with me, visiting her husband on occasion for a couple of weeks at a time every other month. Granted, she did discuss her need to be with me and her new family with him before she did this, but had he refused to let her go, it would have been the end of their marriage. This is a powerful force and unless your own daughter has good wits about her, she is not about to do any different.

None of these things you have mentioned are sure signs that there is a sexual relationship. My own daughter and I haven't had sex yet, but just the attention I showed her on her first visit was enough to end my own 30 year marriage. But my marriage was already on rocky ground when I met my daughter. If she says it hasn't happened then take her at her word, but do let her know that you understand a little what she is feeling and that if it should lead to sex that you won't judge her for it. She may then be more inclined to let you in on what's going on with them, emotionally and elsewise.

Children will love even a bad parent. Their love for her is not a measure of her abilities, or a measure of how good or bad their marriage was. It sounds like your daughter has already called it quits on her marriage. I suggest you tell her husband to move on with his life and file for divorce. You never know, that could be the reality check she needs to wake from this dream. And if it isn't then at least they both get to move on with their lives.

It's good that you have shown her that she still matters to you no matter what she does. When family members cut their ties and begin to judge, that's when it becomes okay to move forward with the relationship. Family ties are what keeps my own situation in proper perspective.

My best to you and yours,

Vic